Saturday, July 5, 2014


(From my 2011 book, Landfill).

Every so often a film comes along that makes the searing heat of its setting and story palpable. I submit for your approval a list of four films that might get you through the summer.

THE HOT SPOT (Dennis Hopper, 1990)
This steamy flick chronicles the misadventures of Texan drifter Harry Maddix (Don Johnson), whose favorite pastime is fucking your wives and daughters six ways from Sunday. Jennifer Connelly is the first vixen Maddix happens upon — hot diggity damn, Jahweh sure didn’t skimp on the meat when He crafted this universal fap magnet! The scene where the succulent nineteen-year-old wriggles out of that tight little number to share her luscious assets with Don, his Johnson, and the entire audience, never fails in putting the absorbing power of Brawny to the test!

Is there a nip in the air or are you happy to see me?

THE BEACH (Danny Boyle, 2000)
Things get so hot in Bangkok that freshly showered Leonardo DiCapri-Sun is a sweat-coated mess again mere seconds after toweling off. Unf. The nocturnal shrieks of sexual ecstasy emitted by the cute French girl next door make it even harder for our hero to keep his noggin cool. Leo’s object of lust finds herself incapable of resisting his American sass, disrobes, and does the nasty with him.

You want freedom fries with that shake, angel cakes?

REAR WINDOW (Alfred Hitchcock, 1954)
Breaking your goddamned leg in the middle of a heat wave — that’s a bitch right there, son. Lucky for All American Homeboy James Stewart, he’s tended to by Grace Kelly. Contains the classic line “Do me in my dumper when you´re done spying on your homicidal neighbor, Jimmy.”

Turn on the fan and pelt some ice cubes at it, why dontcha?

THE TRIGGER EFFECT (David Koepp, 1996)
Adonis Kyle MacLachlan, loved by millions for his unforgettable turn as FBI agent Zack Carey in Showgirls, is a milquetoast who sees his libido damped by a mid-July power outage — at one point he even fails to notice that his wife (Elisabeth Shue, almost unrecognizable without Nic Cage’s lips wrapped around her J&B flavored papillae) is airing the orchid right in front of him.
Creative drive behind this entertaining farce is the man who went on to pen Henry Jones jr. and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Kyle's Glorious Buns. (Known in the bizz as "The Plump MacLachlan Twins.")